Some clinical social workers feel there is a missing key to breaking through the barriers of shame and other destructive mental habits that cause us to experience so much emotional suffering in what psychologist Tara Brach calls, “the trance of unworthiness.”

In a Ted Talk featuring Dr. Kristin Neff, she shares her personal experience and professional work in identifying and healing “the inner critic”. With her background as an academic researcher at the University of Texas at Austin and Buddhist practitioner, Neff developed the model of Mindful Self-Compassion (MSC) with Harvard psychologist Chris Germer, eventually bringing it to lay people and professionals via training around the world.

If we recognize or are sometimes accosted by an internal voice that judges, criticizes and even condemns us, we have met or perhaps are intimately acquainted with the inner critic. Probably the majority of us have one, although some may be louder or more persistent than others. We might think of this as a parental voice that aims to guide and protect us from harm, but it can evolve into a harsh enforcer as we grow into adolescence and adulthood. While the inner critic may convince us that it is needed to keep us safe, the reality is that it can contribute to crippling self-doubt, isolation, self-loathing and suffering of all kinds if accepted without conscious awareness or question.

The practice of MSC is comprised of three elements, with exercises and meditations that can be learned and repeated for reinforcement until they can become automatic.

Mindfulness: When we make a misstep or regret our actions, we can first notice the negative thoughts and feelings that emerge and recognize, “Ouch! This hurts! This is stressful!” or, “This is what suffering feels like.”

Common Humanity: We are not alone. We all are imperfect and make mistakes, no matter our age or experience. Stress, and even suffering, are a natural part of life.

Kindness: We can offer ourselves the same kind words we would to a friend in similar circumstances. The chances are that we would never speak so harshly to another as we do to ourselves, nor would we consider it helpful.

With the recognition and application of these steps, we can then address and correct our missteps instead of becoming paralyzed by guilt/regret, shame/blame or withdrawal, and perhaps most importantly, avoid unnecessary distress that interferes with the quality of our functioning and relationships.

The model may seem simplistic at first glance, yet the transformative alchemy is in the heartfelt embracing of self-compassion. This might not come easily or naturally, because many of us have been taught that being kind to ourselves is a weakness, as if it is letting ourselves off the hook or preventing accountability. It may feel like we need to keep the inner critic on board and alert to remain motivated and successful in life.

Research shows, however, that it can instead activate the fight-or-flight response of the nervous system as if we were in mortal danger, while the real attacker is our own thoughts. Neuroplasticity of the brain means that we can rewire those negative channels with newly developed neuropathways that are positive and supportive to our overall functioning and well-being. MSC provides a powerful tool for paving the way for more inner harmony and ease.

There are multiple, life-changing benefits to practicing self-compassion. Learning to accept our imperfections gives us the strength to move forward with more resilience and greater compassion for ourselves and others with a focus on strengths, rather than deficits. MSC can help us recognize what we need in the moment, better regulate our emotions/reactions, be more productive and improve our relationships, leading to a happier, healthier sense of self-worth, safety and connection in our lives. As we give ourselves more compassion, we extend loving kindness into the world.